A Descent Into Self Knowing

I’m standing before a what looks like a manhole in the ground. You find them in the streets normally, not in the woods. The cover has been pushed open and I can see a ladder bolted to the wall descending down into the dark.

Looking around I take in the forest in all it’s majestic beauty. Everything is perfect exactly the way it is. It’s a chilly morning and I’ve been out hunting for chanterelles, tromping thru the under growth, peering under ferns and combing through the golden fall leaves that cover the ground. My basket is almost full and I was just getting ready to turn around and go back to the car when I came upon this manhole in the forest.

I set my basket down and stoop low to get a better look inside. The pitch black is not inviting and yet my curiosity is high. Why would this be here and who left it open? It’s as if it’s just waiting for me to find it. That’s when I notice the metal cover has the word MOKSHA cast into the middle of the intricate design on it’s surface. Moss is growing in the cracks as if its been here for some time.

A chipmunk starts hollering near me and I stand up and look up at him.Tail jerking he makes the sound again. He’s communicating with me I know; but is he saying “don’t do it, buddy!” Or is he saying “be brave, my friend!” I don’t speak chipmunk so I don’t know but I close my eyes and search my soul. Why would it have my name on it if it were not for me?

The steel of the ladder is cold on my bear hands. I left my mushrooms and have only a small pack on my back with water and my phone and a paperback field guide to the Pacific Northwests Mushrooms. Slowly I descend, one rung at a time. I’m nervous about slipping and falling to my death and so I go slowly. The round opening above me grows smaller and smaller, the light is dimming until I can no longer see my hands in front of me. It’s so cold down here!

I pause for a moment and lean back until my back is resting on the wall and I can let go of the ladder. I bring my hands to my mouth and blow into them, rubbing them together to try and warm them up. I feel like I’m losing feeling in them completely. I touch my face and my fingers are like ice cubes, but at least I know they are still there. I breath in slowly and exhale. Looking up there is no sign of the entrance. I am in total blackness.

After resting for another moment I grab the ladder again and there is a moment where I consider heading back up but something tells me to continue. I don’t know why, but I climb deeper into the abyss. The cold is so deep I start to lose touch with my body completely. It moves from my icy fingers, down my arms into my chest. I can feel my weight concentrated in my feet standing on the ladder, but there is little else to indicate that I still have a body to call my own.

After climbing further down for awhile I stop again and feel into my body. I can’t tell if I’m still there. There is no feeling at all. I touch my face again and this time my fingers do not feel icy, in fact I can’t feel anything at all! I’m not sure that I’m even still holding on to the ladder. I’m afraid that if I try to move I will miss a step and fall into the pit of hell. I try focusing on my breath but even that is not detectable. Panic runs though me and that I realize, is the only indication that I still exist! The fact that I can experience panic.

I feel frozen there in that moment and I realize that I will die here if I don’t make a decision soon. I decide that I will just let go of the ladder entirely and see what happens. I feel entirely weightless and when I make the choice to trust in letting go, a soft light starts to glow from below and I hear a simple sound frequency start to vibrate. There is nothing to see besides the soft glow of the cool light all around me. There is no ladder, I’m no longer in a shaft descending from the forest, and I no longer have a body. I’m not even sure there is an “I” anymore.

In this samadhi like state I stay for I don’t know how long because time doesn’t mean anything here, it’s simply irrelevant. But slowly sensation starts to return to me and I do have a sense again that there is an I. My body starts to come back online now too. It starts in my chest with a soft green glow and radiates out into my arms and legs and fills me with warmth. I can see my body now, in the pale light which is slowly getting brighter. I look down and see that I am floating above the ground and descending slowly.

When my feet touch the ground I am relieved to feel the weight of my body again. The ground is soft and depresses under my weight. I breath a sigh of relief that I still exist and that I have landed somewhere. Looking around, however, I have no idea where that somewhere is. It’s as if everything is shrouded in a heavy fog. There are no distinct forms at all. There is no sound apart from the gentle hum of a single frequency. Confused, I do what any sensible person would do, I open my backpack, take out my phone and check to see if I have service. No bars.

The Great Protector - Acrylic on canvas - by Moksha Marquardt

I’m wondering if I made a mistake coming here when I start to see a form in the mist. I move towards it and soon recognize the silhouette as that of a standing elephant. I move closer still, it is massive, life size. It’s intricately decorated with designs and inlaid with precious stones of all kinds.

I’m standing there, wondering what it means, looking for answers. I touch the statue and its as if I were shocked; I feel in my body a feeling like nothing I have ever felt. A sense of self-knowing explodes in me and sends shock waves through my body, through my being. I am filled with a knowing that I am connected to the great universe in a way that is complete and absolute. I am one with God in a way that allows me to banish all worry and fear from within. I have never felt so complete. I am.

My eyes are closed as I experience all this and when I open them my hand no longer rests on the elephant but on the rung of a ladder which ascends upwards into the heavens. And I start to climb…

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Thanks for reading my story, please comment below If you have any thoughts. Also take some time to check out more of my art if you feel inclined.