The Tree Does Not Eat the Apple

Roots and Branches - 2009 - Oil on board

I’ve been a full time artist for more than 10 years. I’ve made hundreds of paintings and drawings. I’ve never been fully satisfied with a single one.

While there are many paintings that I am happy with, I always feel like I could have done a little better. This isn’t a big obstacle, it doesn’t stop me from making more art. Mostly I’m content to accept them as they are and move on to the next painting. (If you read my last post I went into detail about this.) But I can’t ignore that the feeling of dissatisfaction is still there.

Why am I so critical of my work? I know am not alone here, many people experience this kind of self critical thought, probably most people. Yet, after so long being dedicated to my craft, and putting in thousands of hours painting, you would think I’d have it down. But I don’t.

To make things more complicated, I’ve come to say that “I’m just the brush-holder” and it would be wrong to take full credit for my work. In other words, I’m just the translator who is channeling a message from wherever inspiration comes from (which is a topic for a future post). So this is a bit of a contradiction then? I’m being self critical about my work and yet at the same time I’m saying that I’m not fully responsible for it? What does it all mean?

I am still partially responsible for my work of course. I need to show up to do the work, and it helps that I’ve spent thousands of hours learning my craft so that I can be fluid with my tools and materials and know the process well. But the challenge for me is in doing the vision justice.

I’m self critical of my work because I want to accurately communicate the vision, which feels impossible sometimes. It’s a feeling of expectations-not-met. While this sounds like something that could prevent me from working, it’s actually what keeps me going because I’m always striving to do better. It’s a never ending journey of learning and growing. And it evolves; as soon as I think I’ve got it, it changes on me.

One thing that has helped me is I’ve learned to acknowledge that the vision is just a serving suggestion. The goal is not to copy the vision exactly as it appeared to me but to tell the story in my own voice. In fact, visions seen in the mind’s eye are far too complex and alive to capture in a mere static painting so I really don’t have a choice other than to do my best to receive the Divine message and communicate it in my own way. But the challenge can feel enormous and I feel I always fall short in this respect.

There’s a solution here. It sounds easy in theory but it’s something that is a life long practice if it doesn’t just come naturally to you. I find that not surprisingly, the more I get out of the way of myself, the better the work will be. Simple right? Not so much. To do this takes incredible faith in the process. I think whole books have been written about this, but essentially you just have to not try so hard, release all control and create from a place of pure joy and ease. Look for the signs, for example If you’re not having fun, you might not be doing it right.

As much as I’ve created over the years, this remains a challenge for me. I’m Constantly going into the creative realm, searching for the deepest communication with spirit, searching for a kind of truth, for greatness. I want to do the process justice and come back from this magical realm with a great prize (fruit), and I sometimes do, but why is it so hard for me to recognize the prize for what it is?

I also need to remember that others don’t see my work the same as I do. They don’t see the dissatisfaction that I do. The paintings I create, while all are personal endeavors, are not meant for me alone. They’re meant to be shared. As the Gita teaches, I should not wish to reap the fruits of my labor.

Furthermore, the end product, or fruit, isn’t even the reason I’m painting. I’m actually not painting just to make a painting, I’m doing it because of the process itself. The path is the destination; this saying has never been more applicable in my life than in the creative process. And so for me the reward is in the doing, and the fruits of my doing are for others to enjoy. The tree does not eat the apple. The apple can not spread its own seed efficiently, it must reply on the birds to eat the seed and carry it on to another place of fertile ground…

And so, I keep my head down and work, I focus on slow steady growth, season after season, painting after painting, growing stronger in spirit and more technically skilled at communicating the message that I am blessed to be a translator of.

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Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. If you liked this post please comment below and share your opinion. Can you relate to being critical of your work?

All Points Vanishing